“It should always be remembered that the behavior of persons with schizophrenia is internally logical and rational: they do things for reasons that, given their disordered senses and thinking, makes sense to them!” -Torrey, E. Fuller. Surviving Schizophrenia. 1983. Page 49.
“The ideas I had about supernatural beings came to me the same way that my mathematical ideas did. So I took them seriously.” -John Forbes Nash Jr.
My friend J read a draft of my memoir. He was surprised that my story was not chaotic or filled with confusion. He made me want to tell my story even better, even more, to show that my experience did all made sense to me. I took very deliberate steps to make sense of what was happening to me and around me.
Let’s start with hearing my first voice Joe. For the 30 years of my life before that moment, I had trusted my ears without any problem. I have pretty good hearing. When I first heard Joe talking, I looked for where the talking was coming from, for someone, for speakers, or anything that might broadcast the voice. I did not understand how “he” was able to talk to me that way. So I continued to investigate. I thought that there might be some smart technology being used. I heard the man talking! That was real to me! I tried to understand what “he” wanted! That’s usually why someone talks to another person.
Another example is that my senses became super acute. I noticed so much more from my surroundings. You can relate to this. Someone coughs loudly in front of you and makes sure that you see her. We do this all the time! Could be for fun, for joke, for giving you a hint by saying something while coughing. Another example. Someone puts up a V sign with their fingers at a sport game. We all know that means victory! So, when I start noticing everything around me, it felt like they should mean something. More people were coughing around me, so I thought, is this a bad winter? I did not say to myself, why am I all of a sudden hearing more coughing. I just did. Everyone did. I wondered why! I tried to understand what they or that meant!
Is it really logical to say “I hear someone talking” or “so many people are coughing” then conclude that “I have schizophrenia?” Ironically, to me it felt more like taking a leap of faith later, when I was told to take a pill and not being told why and what it would fix.
My strategy of dealing with things that I don’t understand is to use my brain to logically break down and solve the problem. Similar to what Nash said, I was the same person when I triggered schizophrenia. I tried to solve schizophrenia with logic. I am glad other people’s experience and perspectives described in Surviving Schizophrenia echoed mine and why they don’t think they were crazy or mad either.
Instead of thinking that people with schizophrenia would typically behave abnormally, I suggest we think of it as people being presented with and experienced abnormal things first. These things could be visual, auditory, or sensory. Think of these as “external” stimuli, not internal! That’s the perspective I am asking you to have. Schizophrenics are just trying to make sense of it all like everyone else with life. Sometimes, to deal with things that don’t make sense, you might have to do something different or unusual. Having reactions are appropriate and expected human behaviors!
Really, it’s a broken brain in charge!