Tiny Crushes

I remember the first boy I liked. I was maybe six or seven. He was in my first-grade class. Kids were seated based on height. We were of the same height and both sat in the last row in the back of the classroom. I would not be able to say why I liked him. I guess it was just chemistry, or proximity, at school. During recess, the whole class ran out of the classroom. I could always spot him. Once, I saw him, I chased after him around the school yard, passing by the noisy monkeys, beautiful peacocks, and colorful birds. Once I got to him, poor boy for being liked, I hit him which were the only times I hit someone in my life. We both laughed. Then I chased him all over again until the school bell rang for us to go back to the classroom. I never got tired of this in first grade. That was how I showed my affection at an early age.  

I can imagine my parent friends being horrified by my behavior as a kid. Hitting? In American schools today, I would be sent to the principal’s office. I was hurting another kid. But at that time, what we had was purely happiness.

In middle school, having just moved from Taipei, Taiwan to Manhattan, I found myself keep looking for Gideon. We did not really play together. But once in a while, he would talk to me in the hallway. I did not know English so I said nothing back and usually just looked at him. Being in a new place made me more reserved from the slapping-boys days. During one of our winter break, the whole class went camping together. After dinner, we watched Dirty Dancing and giggled. Someone then convinced everyone to try dancing like Johnny and Baby. We cleared the chairs in the middle of the room and put on some music. At first, I stood quietly on the side. Then Gideon came up to me and asked me to dance. I had never danced with someone before, only had taken modern dancing class where I danced synchronously with everyone on my own. Gideon and I held hands and moved our young bodies. All I could think of was, I don’t know how to do this. I was both excited and terrified at the same time. We danced until one song was finished. He smiled satisfiedly at me and let go of my hands. Could he tell that I liked him? Did he like me too? Perhaps, he could sense the positive energy I had towards him. That was how I gave my first dance to Gideon, thanks to Dirty Dancing.

Innocent “love” relationship for kids and early teens are adorable and cute. Just two little people who simply play and laugh together.

Romance Scam: How It Happened to Me

I have never met someone who intended to hurt me since day 1 until Paul who I “met” on OkCupid early June this year. I have been actively using OkCupid for about three years as a forty something single woman looking for like minded men around my age and area. In the last couple of years, I was able to meet 15 local men but most of them did not go beyond the first date. I continued to be optimistic.

On July 7th, 2018, I received a message from Paul, 45, NYC. The message was normal and with substance – I look forward to having meaningful conversations with you – and that’s huge. I decided to respond. In his response, he was quick to ask me: “How is online dating going for you? and what are you looking for?” He was also quick to state clearly what he was looking for: “I’m looking for a woman who is ready for a serious long term relationship with commitment. Would like to take each day at a time to learn more about you. How long have you been single? I got divorced almost 4 years ago and I have a 15 yrs old boy that lives with me. I’m mentally and emotionally ready for something new.” I thought, great, a man who knew what he wanted and it was a real relationship.

Paul was not shy about sharing details about himself. “I’m originally from the Netherlands and I have been living in the US for almost 13 years. I have lived in CA and Seattle until few months ago before I moved to NY… I work as a Project Evaluator in disaster and aid management, I help to facilitate the distribution of relief and provide medical assistance to displaced people living in remote areas across the world. I’ve been doing it for 17 years, It can be very challenging and rewarding.” I thought he had a very admirable job. However, I made a mental note to asking him more about because I knew so little of disaster and emergency management in the world.

It turned out that I met him when his birthday was coming up. “Can we chat tomorrow? It is my birthday today and I’m having friends and family over at my place.” The next day, he let me know that, ” I had a lot of fun celebrating with family and friends. I cooked some of my favorite meal then invited them over for dinner. When is your birthday Moreover, I’m grateful to have a job that provides me with the opportunity to help those that are in need and knowing that there is more to do is what motivates me in other to do more. I decided to move to NY in other to leave some memories behind us and for my son to be closer to his grandparents. Have you always lived in NY?”

He soon suggested that we move off OkCupid while sharing a few more details about himself. “I liked Boston since my first visit couple of years ago and who knows maybe you might give me another reasons to come there. Smiles! Hope you get to see your parents. How old are they? My parents are deceased and I wish they were still here. Will you like to communicate through phone and text messaging? I think it is a more efficient way of interacting with one another.”

During the first month, we texted and messaged. He started checking in with good-morning and good-night texts. My friends were impressed and so was I.

On Monday night, July 23, Paul surprised and called me for the first time. We had an awkward pause for about 10 seconds then he started laughing and I felt at ease. I liked him a bit more that instance. I had told him that I only talked to my parents on the phone and no one else. He said that he wanted to be added to the list. I could feel that he was interested in me. That felt good. From that day one, we talked almost every day. Sometimes it was a quick call, other times longer. His calls and texts became part of my routine and day.

That week, Paul complained about a severe headache and had to see a doctor. The doctor suggested to him to take a scan and he did. He went back to the doctor a couple of days later and got his test results back. It was all normal! Meanwhile, I was sharing personal details with him as well. I told Paul about my full name, email, and website.

While I was taking to Paul almost every night, I wanted to know more about him. I Googled him several times based on what I knew: Paul Henriks, 347-667-2147, prhenriksjobs003@gmail.com, and found nothing at all. He had zero online presence. I told myself not to worry and continued to get to know him.

In addition to messages, I asked Paul for pictures wanting to know more about him. “So I can see what you are seeing!” I told him. Paul was able to send me photos of his family, the birthday party he went to, and from his camping trip. Finally, photos! I told him that I now knew that he was not a serial killer and was real. I sent him a few more my recent photos too and told him that I was breaking my rule of “no pictures before meeting in person.” He responded, “I am not going to kill you with pictures!” I told him about my schizophrenia. He said that he did not mind.

On Monday July 30, Paul happily told me that he had won the proposal that he has been working one. That was work for him for the next 18 to 20 months. He said he wanted to come and see me. I thought that was serious commitment to getting to know me. I was happy to hear that. He needed to wait to hear more about his work travel schedule this week, then he would let me know when he could meet.

Out of the blue, Paul deleted his profile on OKC. I did not expect that! Typically, this requires a conversation. But he just made his own decision. I asked him what he meant by that and he said that he wanted to focus on this. The next day, I disabled mine too. I felt that I was talking to someone who was kind and caring. I would also focus on this.

During one of our phone calls, Paul sounded a bit upset. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he was expecting to travel for work sooner than he thought. He would only be able to visit me after his work trip. I thought that was okay and reassured him that was fine with me.

Paul emailed me his flight details and confirmations for traveling to Manila, Philippines for work. His return flight was from Manila to Boston. He did not book a flight leaving Boston to go back to New York. During this time, giving the time zone difference, we talked less regularly. But Paul continued to show an effort to keep in touch with me.

We lost communication for three days. Then I received the a few emails from Paul.

Email: Tuesday, August 14, 12:10 PM

Good morning babe,

How are you? I hope you had a good night sleep. I arrived Manila safely, although we experience a mid air turbulence and a  bumpy landing other than that it was fine. I had my first official meeting with the Directors today, It was short but It offered me an opportunity  to make a positive impression. I am looking forward to yet another meeting with the Directors tomorrow to discuss the details surrounding the execution of the project, project schedule and contract review/negotiations.

Moreover, It’s been almost 3 days since we last spoken, I must confess that I’m missing you more than I could ever imagine. You have become a special part of day and our conversation has brought me great joy and laughter.

I should be able to communicate with you through text or phone within the next 24 hours. I look forward to hearing your sweet voice.

You are always on my mind..

Email: Monday, August 20, 9:01PM

Good morning babe!

Hope you’re having a wonderful day. Sorry I couldn’t get to talk to you last before going to bed. I had two separate meetings with the Lawyers and the committee in charge of the legal process. We talked about the details surrounding the  signing of the contract and the financial aspect from the Budgeted Capital, Legal fees and Total Accrued Profit. At the end I agreed to pay 8% of my total profit as the legal fee in advance so the Directors and the committee in charge can grant the Lawyers the  legal capacity to represent me in all the legal proceedings regarding the signing of the contract that binds the project approval which is the final stage. I’ve written to my Bank to make provisions for the legal fee so we can proceed with the signing of the contract agreement.

Yesterday was the last meeting with the officials. Hopefully the whole contract agreement would be finalized by tomorrow morning. It is a public holiday here today, I’ll be spending most of today here at the apartment.

Talk to you before you go to bed.

Email: Tuesday, August 20, 8:52PM

Good Evening to you!

Hope you’ve had a good day at work. I didn’t have to wake up at 1am for the phone call appointment with the Bank. I received a email in response to my request for a short term loan of $110,000.00 in other to complete the payment for the legal fee. My short term loan request was denied but they were able to processed the transfer of $260,000.00 as part of the payment for the legal fee.  As a result of this disappointment I won’t be able to sign the contract agreement until the end of the week while I look into other options available for me to come up with the remainder of the legal fees which will take few days.

I’m having a meeting at 9am with the Directors  and the committee. I’m going to call you when I’m through with the meeting.

<end of email>

Paul had to extend his trip in Manila. He was not able to come to Boston as planned. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. However, I understood that work was important to him. I told myself to be supportive and patient.

For the rest of August, Paul worked on getting the funds he needed to pay the lawyers. He got additional 30k from his sister and Andre’s grandparents and 50k from credit cards. He was still short of 20k. Sam and a friend in CA could not give back the money he had loaned them earlier until next week. Paul is in a tough situation. He admitted that he had never bit on such a large project before and that this situation had never happened to him before. Friday was the deadline for the final negotiation. If he did not have money by then, he loses the whole project.

Meanwhile, different scenarios were running through my head. I had a session with my therapist Deborah. My gut told me not to help him by lending him money. Deborah agreed and said, stay out of it. We were both thinking this could be a scam! But I wanted to hope that I had met a good man. So I continued to hope for the best while promising Deborah that I would be careful and protect myself. I Googled “lending friends money” and the first article said, You do not have to lend anyone money.

Then over the weekend, Aug 30 to Sept 2, I did not hear from Paul at all. I thought that he might be traveling home to New York. He must be devastated. As far as I knew, he lost the project. I did the math in my head and the project was a couple of millions. It was not like him to not communicate at all. I missed hearing from him. I was also worrying for him.

Sunday night Sept 2, Paull finally texted. He was still in Manila and in the hospital. His severe headache was back. He only texted briefly. I still did not know what was going on other than where he was. He said we could talk later his night but he did not call. Somehow, the deadline for his contract got extended.

Tuesday night Sept 4. Paul texted again. This time I was calmer. He was still in the hospital. They kept him because he was not well enough to leave. He was getting better but still weak. His guide in Manila Nel has been in communication with his son Andre and brother-in-law Sam. He said he misses me and I feel better! I told myself that I needed to be patient while he sorted out his healthy. He was obviously under a lot of stress because of work and health. He again told me that he should be released from the hospital and that we could talk soon.

On Thursday Sept 6., Paul sent me this text:

Paul: I am not sure how you’re going to feel about this but I’m in a very difficult position regarding the whole legal agreement and I’m not sure if there is something you can do to assist me financially. I want to know if you could at least lend me about 10,000USD so as to be able to finalize the whole agreement. I’ll be able to pay back by the time you’re in NJ… thanks!”

Me: Paul, I just don’t know you well enough to just send you money. It’s a lot of money! Would you be able to send me more information? Let me take a look? How much are you short of?

Paul: I’m short of about 10,000usd (Ten Thousand US Dollars)

Me: At this point, I am not comfortable lending you money… I only have your phone number… I don’t even know your address… I am sorry.

Paul: Okay. I understand. You don’t have to be sorry.

Me: When is your new deadline?

Paul: Monday

Friday Sept 7, 7:45 AM, more text.

Me: Any luck on getting what you need?

Paul: No luck.

Me: Why would you have money later in a week or two but not right now? Also what about Sam, your friend in CA and other investment funds (that you told me about)? By the way, what is your address? Home address I mean.

Me: So does this mean that you are not going to get this project? What’s happening on Monday? I think this whole thing is a bit crazy! Especially that you are doing this all on your own and don’t have a company of people with you.

Me: [Sending Paul banks that offer short-term loans with 6.99 to 24.99 APR]

Me: How much money do you already have? Would these people really reject a selected (?best) candidate for 10K? Does not make any sense to me!

Paul: I am sorry but I won’t have asked you for help if I wasn’t going to lose out completely on this project. There wouldn’t be any reason for me to do what I did.

Sat Sep 8, 10:23AM

Me: It could be a scam. You could disappear. I have not idea. No way of knowing.

<End of text>

Throughout this whole experience, I was oscillating between trusting Paul and wanting to help him versus being cautious since I had never met the man. I thought the texts and phone calls brought us closer together but for me it was still missing something. I felt like I was in “something” but not quite. I was not completely emotionally and mentally invested in Paul yet. That was my luck. I had learned from previous online-dating dates that my imagination sometimes got ahead of myself. Texting and phone-call personalities could never represent 100% of someone’s true in-person personality. Keep initial texting short. Gotta meet the guy to really know what’s the real deal!

Short of meeting up, I tried different ways to validate Paul’s identity. I asked him for his full name. Then I Googled him and found nothing. It was hard to imagine someone with zero online presence. He claimed that he stopped using Facebook profile during the Cambridge Analytica scandal. But what about LinkedIn? As an independent consulting working for himself, I would imagine that he would need a professional online presence. I also Googled his phone number and profession and found nothing.

Paul was perfect via text and phone calls though. He started his first message looking for a serious long-term relationship. Even I was wondering what he saw in me and my online profile that he was so sure. His good-morning and good-night texts were heart melting. He said and did all the right things from the start.

But quickly, the conversations turned to money matters. I knew better not to mix a-man-I-never-met with money matters. I did not understand the business arrangement that he was describing, as important as he seemed to think of it. I did not understand what he did for living, as much as it sounded nobel. Why would he not having anyone else but a stranger to ask for money? Why would he be so short of cash if he was able to bid on such a large project? Why was he not better prepared for his contract negotiation? He did not manage his business and money well. There was too much that I did not understand about him to feel comfortable with the situation.

When he started to talking about money, I thought to myself, oh my god, he might ask me for money. I saw three options. First, if I lend him money and he disappears, shame on me. Second, if I did not lend him money and he gets upset, then I could see his true colors and his priorities. Third, if I did not lend him money and we continued to speak then that would show his true color. Based on facts, not feelings, I thought the smart thing to do was to stay out of his business. No matter what the situation was, asking a stranger for money was a red flag in itself.

One week after Paul stopped talking to me, I shared this with my close friends. They validated my suspicion. We all agreed that this was a romantic scam. A very elaborate one! Paul Henriks probably did not exist. There might even be a team of people. This was their “work” and I was their “project.” This could happen to anyone! I look at the name, texts, emails, and photos on my phone and I still can’t believe it!

Top 8 Favorite Dating Advice from My Friends

After being happily single and not dating for a decade, getting back to dating and trying out online dating for the first time was quite an experience. I did not face this new life experiment alone. I equipped myself with good friends and books. I have been learning and enjoying dating more as a forty-something. Here are my favorite dating advice that helps me be happy and enjoy the journey!

  1. If he does not show up, he is not my man! Starting from the first message, to first call, to first date, he has to want to part of it. I met Q the furniture maker and we hit it off during our first date. The first date followed by a second date at the beach. We had fun! After that, when I texted him, he did not respond at all. We lost our connection. I kept thinking about all the good things about him. Then one of my guy friends said to me, “he has gotta to show up!” In order for something to happen, he has to text, call, or meet up! I should be able to tell his engagement and interest based on his actions. If there is not action, don’t ignore it or explain it. (Note: of course be reasonable. If the guy does not get in touch in 24 hours, that might not be a deal break. Use best judgement here.)
  2. I am not a priority. Very often, when meeting someone new, I hope for the best.  When something goes wrong, I try to find explanation for his behavior. The very typical example that everyone has experienced is “Oh, he has not texted or called in a week. He must be busy!” What this behavior is really saying is that I am not a priority in his life. It could that dating for him comes after work, kids, social commitments, etc. He could be indeed very busy with other responsibilities. But if he is not willing to spend time and energy getting to know me on day 1, then there is not likely a future for “us.” (Note: the level of priority here depends on what you are looking for and can be different. Perhaps, you decide that you are okay with meeting up for dinner once a month. If you are okay, then that’s okay!)
  3. Texting is good but meeting up is a must! Texting has become a critical part of my online dating experience. This has replaced talking as the standard method of first contact for many of us. The initial texts usually give me an idea of what the person is like, normal or not. I texted with J the local mid-school teacher. He seemed like a wonderful person. We met and I did not feel any connection. There was also C the dancer, who did not look at all like his picture. I am now very careful about men in sunglasses or have just headshots. Text personality can be misleading and based on creative imagination. Still gotta meet to get the true personality!
  4. Have fun! If he likes me, I can feel it! Meeting people is fun and I keep reminding myself of that. First date is not a test. It’s an opportunity for two strangers in this world to meet and get to know each other better. Remember when we were just kids? I remind myself to be curious with an open mind and open heart. If the first few dates are not fun, then it might be hard to have lives together. I look forward to hear about his life stories, his likes and dislikes, his ups and downs. My best frame of mind is cautiously optimistic! If someone likes me, I can totally feel it! I would know!
  5. Do I want to meet up again after the first date? I plan for a living. It’s very easy and nature for me to think of the next 50 steps from the first date. Don’t get head of myself! Take it one day at a time. I met N in another state and I thought of how I could commute regularly to see him after we first met. That’s too much stress and thinking. Now I just ask myself, would I like to see him again. Not when we would move in together. Not when we would get married. That’s for later. At the beginning, just enjoy getting to know him.
  6. Don’t be too nice too quickly! There are many books that talk about this topic, such as Why Men Love Bitches. As a woman who is fairly nice, I tend to want to take care of the man I date. Do everything in my power to make it work. When I first started dating, I would treat him like a good friend and plan out everything for us. I remember meeting B the engineer. We had gotten to our 5th date and he finally said, I don’t feel any connection. What I learned is that I need to give him some space to think about us. Let him or take turn in getting to know each other.
  7. Know what are my top three priorities! Expectation is tough. No one is perfect, including me. When I meet someone online, I filter the profiles based on my top priorities. For example, it’s good to know that “kind” is required and “living in Boston” is optional. Give and take is good!
  8. Be me and do me! Finally, always be true to myself. I recently met P the consultant and it was so easy. A girlfriend told me, “When I first met my husband, I was surprised at how easy it was, after so many crappy dates! If you meet the right person, you will be able to tell.” That’s what happens when two people are compatible and share the same values. This is also the only way to sustain a long-term relationship. I absolutely love this!

I hope you find some of these useful! If you have other advice that you like, leave me a comment below.

Remember This On A Rainy Day

To me, I say to remember this on a rainy day.

Singleness. I fully embrace it. During weekends, I can get up at 8am or 11am. It takes me 10 minutes to get out of the house and I don’t have to wait or hurry. I just use the bathroom. I just eat, either out of my fridge or at a restaurant, at 4pm or 7pm. I get home when I get home. Everything at home is always where I remember it to be. I don’t have a TV or car and that’s okay by me. My home is simple and not cluttered which is just the way I like it. I have lots of time to work on interesting problems, read and sip tea, write and sip wine, take walks, travel, and hang out with friends! I am not responsible for little people 24/7 and are always amazed by my friends who are parents at how much effort and energy they have for their kiddos.

I can dance in the middle of my living room. I can sing along with my Spotify playlist. I can wear PJ all day. All not to be embarrassed. My home is my safe and private space, and more than enough space just for me.  I have absolute freedom and independent love in life. For that, I am thankful and grateful.

Dating is a great way to meet new people. Everyone is hopefully and scared at the same time. We all have a heart made of glass hoping to hand it to someone who won’t accidentally drop it on the floor. It’s truly an adventure.

Here is what I would like to say to the me with a man. Remember how full life was when I was single. I took advantage of singleness and did whatever I wanted. Even though I had not met you, I had a wonderful life surrounded by friends and family. I was taking steps everyday to learn and become who I am as a person. Now I am with you. I am hoping to learn about the life of two, love of two, and maybe with kiddos too.

Singleness and couple-ness are just two different journeys, each has its good and learnings. Don’t forget the life lessons from both journeys. Remember to always enjoy life no matter what.

Today’s top of mind.

Dating Books

Dating men can be like “dating” books!

Don’t judge a book by its cover? Well, I do. Firs impression matters. Are you glossy or matte? Are you a paperback or a hardcover? With a dust cover? Is it black-and-white or color? What is the title of the book? Do I want to open the book after seeing the cover?

Let’s say the cover passes the gut check. Awesome. I am now opening the book and excited to read the first sentence of the first chapter on the first page. The most common first message I received on online dating websites is “hi.” Imagine that in a book! The first sentence should probably be more than one word but not taking up the whole page either. Underwhelming and overwhelming are both undesirable. There is no rule to say what is a absolutely good first sentence. It could be a split-second decision or a longer and slower read. If what is written intrigues me, then I will probably decide to keep reading.

After reading a few more pages, I can pretty quickly know if there is chemistry between me and the book. Sometime, a book is easy to read, or interesting, or challenging, or impressive. Fiction and non-fiction are definitely two different reading experiences. And I know for sure that I don’t like short stories. I have tried many times and the outcome is the same no matter how great the book is. The poor book is not being read gathering dust in a corner and I hit myself in the head for buying it (again!)

There are times I just can’t get into a book even with a promising start. For whatever reason, there is no connection. I am reading the words but I am not getting anything out of it. In that case, I find that it’s good to put the book down and say I am going to pass on this one. I am in my forties. There is really no point reading every single book cover to cover. Who has that kind of time at my age?

For the times that I am unsure, I sometimes give it a longer try and read a few more pages or chapters. I either get pleasantly surprised or stop reading. I find that I am mostly right listening to my gut. But taking risk and being open is part of the adventure.

Spending time reading a book is a precious activity. To me, it’s quality time for myself. I am wiling to put everything aside and invest that time in a book. When I am in the middle of a good book, I am walking on air. Some book requires pacing and other I lose sleep over reading. Some stories are memorable!

I am always looking for the opportunity to be inspired, to learn and to see something new in this world.  Cozy up with a cup of tea and a good book on a Saturday night is amazing. Times goes by so fast when it’s good! Even though I have my share of unmatched books, I am for sure going to keep dating books!

Okay, I know men is so much more than books. But can you kind of go along with this for fun with a book nerd like me?!? <grin> I am also limiting my imagination to the first few dates before being exclusive. After the warming up period requires a whole different post! Lastly, the same holds true for me as well. I think about how I hold up as a book!

May everyone always enjoy your book happily! If you like reading.

 

A Dedication

He is as sweet as they come, she believes.

They are young, both with wide-open eyes, arms, and hearts. The sky is always blue; classes are always good for naps. He loves to show off his sports car; she loves to watch him showing it off. The meeting place can not be more perfect. They are partners in classes, constantly challenging each other. They discuss and debate about life and death, purpose and principle, happiness and goals. They spend their first summer roaming gorges, hiking forests, playing in the parks, and hanging out in a little town in upstate New York. He knows where to go: taking her to the quaint restaurants, the one-and-only lame mall in the neighborhood, and as many movies as the cinema plays.

He is as much of a gentleman as any college boy may strive to be. She knows that she has the eyes for goodness.

She thinks he is special, this incredible blend of east and west. He dislikes his past made of boarding school and various places in the world. She reminds him of how the journeys in the past built his character, a fine one that is. He looks for his root; she sees his core as solid as any rooted person may have. He treats her like a lady; she falls for that always.

He is ambitious to do something great. So is she.

All college years end and all collage kids grow up. He begins a new life chapter in the corporate world. In a pretty happening city, he makes new friends, keeps fit, and works his butt off. His higher education seems to have paid off. She starts her new life a few hundred days later, following his lead pretty closely. With a bit of luck, they find each other again in the same city and decide that it is a great thing to keep it up.

He is loyal, earnest, and studious. She is no less.

When solving a problems, he puts in his best. He becomes credible to his teams. She admires him and works harder. They are both career-minded people who determine to be proud of their work. They are surrounded with like-minded people and they keep moving upward.

He cares and she is touched.

She is deeply moved at how he takes care of her. The evidence is especially visible when she is sick. He always knows what to do, what drug to get, what food to buy, where to go, and who to call. He touches her many times with that tenderness. She is thankful.

He is a Peter Pan. Secretly she is too.

Their favorite movies are the Disney ones. He owns almost every one of them. (Let’s keep that under the covers!) He also catches all the actions and sci-fi’s; she loves the sappy romantic comedies. Regardless, they always watch together. A bit unusual, they fight to let the other to order food at the restaurant. They are both flexible and considerate in nature. Perhaps a bit too considerate …

If in this day and age the concept of marriage does not exist, they would be the perfect couple. They hardly fight. He makes jokes; she can’t stay mad at him. They enjoy each other’s company; they also allow for personal spaces. She likes to hang with her girlfriends; he picks up the boys and does whatever until the girls return. They are comfortable with each other. They are open with each other. They take care of each other in their own ways. They seem happy.

He is responsible and she is mature.

Things happen and everything is a blur. Basically, he knows what he wants and she knows what she does not want. They are inseparable. Their friends are inseparable with the this combo too. But perhaps a break is good for them even it is not good for anyone else. Their circle friends are sad. The boy and the girl remain civil; they become good friends.

He continues to search for what’s important in life. She does exactly that too.

At this turning point in their lives, they are both searching for the meaning in life. She believes that one can’t love another without defining oneself first. He looks to religion for answers. She wants to fill more philosophies in her head. He wants to know God’s will and finds the plan that’s for him.  She travels to see the world to explore possibilities. She is reshuffling her self; as is he.

He needs most a friend; she needs most her solitude.

She feels selfish to abandon a dear friend. She realizes that she is not capable of being a friend. Not right now. At a time of healing and soul searching, she must take care of herself first. He is the reason for healing and solitude. He is also the one who needs a friend the most.  She is torn between her affection for him and her own needs. She fails at the balancing act.

“Why” he asks. She can only smile.

How can she help him understand? You see, these two handle healing in the exactly opposite way.

She is constantly aware of her intrusion to the external world. She prefers not to talk to anyone when she is unhappy. She prefers never to think ill of anyone and be morally good. When she is confused, upset, or sad, she wants to fix it on her own. Perhaps she is just an introvert at heart. She is just built that way.

He is constantly looking for chances to interact with the external world. He prefers not to be unhappy and never think ill of anyone. He prefers to be a morally good person. When he is confused, upset, or sad, he wants to fix it. He helps his friends and that makes him happy. He stops being sad by just getting over it. He talks about his problems and solves them with his friends. He is just made that way.

She still sleeps the best – feels the safest – when he is around.

She does not want to be upset any more because of him. She feels that she lives in the past, does not want to feel that way, and wants the current chapter closed. She is aware that once again she is making a decision that will affect the both of them. She is very sad.

She needs some space and time for herself.

Long after their break up, she finally cries about that for the first time. Her body is reacting too slowly; the tears quietly fall from the corner of her eyes. Or maybe the brain is just faster than the heart. The sadness lingers not more than a couple of minutes. She hates being wimpy. Here her eyes are quietly wetting again.

No offense. She needs to be ok. It will take her so many years to “get over” it. She does not have the strength to be strong anymore. She does not have any answer, explanation, or theory anymore. She needs to be left alone for a while. She needs to take care of herself. Then she can come back and be his best friend again. Then she may be a friend for anyone. She needs to feel that she is ready…

This chapter is as beautiful as it comes between a boy and a girl. He is as sweet as they come, she still believes. No matter what happens, this boy and this girl will always know that they had loved each other dearly with all their hearts.

That’s a brainless predication and a fine closing note.

 

HRU

I met both of my ex-boyfriends in college, pre-online-dating and pre-smartphone. Match.com, the first online dating website I heard of, was founded in 1995. I was late to dating and, again, was late to online dating. Nevertheless, I finally joined the masses and tried dating online.

First, I took it very seriously. I started by answering every single message I received. But some messages left me speechless.

Him 1: “Hi hru cutie” I was not cool enough to understand this right away. A few days later, he messaged again, “hi hru mindy!” What? I was confused. Then, he did that two more times. Finally, I got it. Oh, how are you. Too lazy?

Him 2: “I am happily married. Looking for some fun. Let me know if you would be interested.” Wow. This was beyond being libraral for me. It was beyond me. Not my kind of fun?

Him 3: “I am very subservient. I would be willing to do anything you want. I can clean. I will obey your commands sexutally or emotionally.” We hadn’t even met and he was offering his world to me. Hmm, not my type?

Him 4: A write who literally wrote a very long essay about himself. To be honest, I could not finish reading…

Him 5: “Hey. There are not that many Asians on here. We are both Asian. We should go out!”

After chatting with my friends who were more experienced and were successfully at online, I stopped answering messages. This was not work. I was not being rude, especially if the messages did not make sense. Or I was just not interested when the messages was “hi” or “hey.” I learned that no one answers every single message.

Then, I approached this with a very open mind. I met up with anyone who wrote a decent message to me, which was about 10% of the time. Without OkCupid, I would not have ever met most of these men from different parts of Greater Boston. I was excited to meet new people. Though messaging, I sometimes connected with someone on where we both went to college, what movie we liked, a compliment about my profile or picture, or a curious question.  Most of these first dates did not work out.

Be open was good but I learned that I also needed to understand what I was looking for. At the end of the day, I am half of the equation.  A friend had told me that online dating was a number’s game. I went back and forth on that. Was meeting more men better? Or was it meeting more of the right men?

Of course, I turned to books and read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. Aziz did a great job taking about the new way of dating with humor. I liked seeing my own dating stories with humor too.

Finally, I started seeing the same profiles of men. It was like living in the same neighborhood for all my life. I was bounded to see the same old faces. To change things up a bit, I tried other dating apps besides OkCupid. Still pretty much some of the same faces. More apps and websites did not change who were available in Boston. That made sense to me.

Luckily, I still believe in serendipity in life. What may come may come! Good luck to all the singles out there!